I lie awake wondering if God still has something meaningful planned for me. And if He did, would I have the energy for it? I try to think of people like Joyce Meyer, who is almost 70, yet has accomplished more in the last 20 years than in her first 50.
Can God use me if, after my own 50 years, I am still disorganized, haven’t found a specific talent, and haven’t accumulated many meaningful personal relationships?
I know scripture assures us that God doesn’t need us at all and His decision to use us for His purposes, or not, really doesn’t have much to do with our worthiness. Yet, I still lie awake and wonder.
Maybe it is important to get ready for it. Maybe I need to find ways to have energy and insights in order to be obedient when God calls.
At 30, I don’t think I ever imagined what I would be doing at 50. I have always been a daydreamer, and certainly visualized myself into many jobs and situations, but I am pretty sure, in my mind’s eye, I stayed 30 throughout eternity.
Don’t get me wrong. It isn’t that I feel unaccomplished. That would be fishing for compliments or looking to find value through someone else’s eyes.
It is a little deeper than that. It is the hole in you that you can’t put your finger on. The one that keeps you up at night with your heart racing even though nothing is really wrong and you don’t have a particular worry. It is the worry, just to worry, because many things are going well and certainly looking up, but you still feel unsettled.
Like you should work harder, smarter or faster in your endeavors.
Or that maybe God will use you for a purpose that has a beginning and an end, so you will know how it finishes, and if you served your purpose.
Then the cycle comes tossing you upside down as you do 360’s through the same patterns that you have been through before.
Why would God use a person who focuses on their own desire to have God work through them, rather than on the work that would be done for God? Since I am that person, He won’t want to use me.
Except… He is God and He uses people that are unworthy and ill-equipped every day. So, who am I to decide upon my God worthiness or not? I didn’t even decide on God; He chose me. Reminding myself again how none of it is about me and I need to get over myself.
This is how the circular rolls…
Because I have decided that I now do agree with the experts that say that 7-8 hours of sleep a night is imperative, I will never see that much sleep again.
Because I have determined that I can make an impact on my own health and make wise choices, I will surely battle demons like ice cream and faulty joints.
Because I am trying to be healthy, I still contracted strep throat, took a new antibiotic from a walk-in clinic that, a month later, gave me a head-to-toe rash requiring several blood tests, a skin biopsy, a cortisone cream, antihistamine, and my third week of steroids.
And as the circular comes around again, it is hard to sleep when one is taking steroids.
In my tossing and turning, I lose the battle, or actually I win, because in my exhaustion I give up myself and remember that He is the God of the Universe, all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-loving. That He did choose me to be His and that I can claim all of the promises in the bible, because He is unchanging and ever-faithful, even if we are not.
This brings me to yawning, signing off the computer, so that I can return to bed, and hopefully to sleep.